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Happy Friday everyone!
Today is my "heaven" son's 5th birthday. Today brings up lots and lots of emotions.
5 years ago today, I was in the hospital with Ken getting a blood transfusion. I was making jokes about how that blood better be good enough for the Queen, it was from England I was told...I made a joke that if I started talking with an accent, I'd know why:).
The moment I knew I lost my son, was kind of beautiful.
Here's why.
I could let go.
I could release myself, finally, from what my intuition KNEW was happening weeks, maybe month before this.
I was in labour from around midnight that night, in full conscious denial that I was losing Finnigan. It's funny how our minds do that.
I decide to get Ken up and tell him that I thought it was time to go to the hospital, on the way to the car, my water broke. We went back into the house. I remember reaching down and feeling his beautiful little head...I knew in that moment would were being separated, my heart prepared itself for what was about to happen.
At around 6:30 am, my husband called the ambulance, and by 6:55 am, our dear way-too-little boy was here.
The nurse who helped me deliver him asked if I wanted to hold him, I asked "Will it help?", she shook her head...I said "no".
She walked around the room bouncing him softly until 15 minutes later, he was gone.
My midwife asked me over and over again (every 15 mins) if I wanted to hold him? I continued to say no.
Then one of those times, I said "yes".
I don't know why I did, it guess my intuition was speaking again to me.
I can't tell you why this next part was my experience, but I can tell you that it 100% was.
My boy had been gone for over an hour...he was wrapped in a blanket and handed to me, he was still warm.
I patted his little back. Just like I have with all the other children. I held him for a long time, just me and Finn, in our own little world.
Then Ken came to have a snuggle. I will never forget this. He took the baby and walked around with him and rocked him...he's done this with our other children when they were born.
Once it was all over, we had to go and leave our baby there, to be cremated...even as I say that, I am still in disbelief.
So here is what I know now.
The whole thing was a glorious invitation into my Divine Feminine, which I only realize now.
The intuition that told me not to buy a single bib for my son. I am the mom who had her whole nursery mapped out and planned before the first trimester for all 3 of my girls:). For this pregnancy, I had a onsie to announce that it was a BOY, so not very typical of me, my inner goddess knew.
When I started bleeding in week 10, I also knew, even though they all thought things would pan out, that things were not going to be ok. I had something called a subchorionic hematoma, a blood blister basically between the uterus and placenta. Mine caused me to go into premature labour, a rare outcome. When you have placental abruption, the outcome is not positive.
When I was discharged from the hospital, I was told to pump my breast milk, yes my milk came in, my beautiful body was doing exactly what it did 3 times before that. My Naturpathic MD had me pump for a few weeks to ease my way back to my normal hormonal levels, otherwise, it would have been much much worse on me hormonally.
This act was an incredible act of vulnerability. Pouring milk out because I had no baby to give it to gutted me, I had to be vulnerable with anyone around or I wouldn't have made it through.
Nuture. I had other children who were impacted by this, especially my then 14 year old Olivia. She was on "bed rest" with me after school everyday before it happened. Feeling him kick and rubbing my back. I had to dial up my motherhood for this little beauty. I had to protect her the best I could.
Do I wish it would've been ok? Of course.
Did I learn something then and now? You bet, I learned to see the beauty in the whole thing, in my body, in my husband, and in my children, my second oldest flew home to be with me through it too.
And here is one of the most special gifts of today...
I was connected this morning to a mother who also lost her son on this day 5 years ago, his name was also Finn. Crazy right?
She said that this morning, she saw a couple kids on the beach and one of them was named Finn! He was waving at her...
Here's what soooo crazy!!!
When I was at Date With Destiny this past December, Tony and Sage did a Oneness Prayer where we meditate and have a beautiful journey.
In my meditation, I saw Finningan with my Mom (also passed) on a BEACH waving at me and smiling like crazy, it's like my Mom was telling me she's got her grandson and they are ok!
I found peace in that today. Feels like my son was reaching out to me.
My Feminine Goddess will continue to heal me from this, until then, I will take some nice deep breaths:).
Big love,
Cara